Sometimes your plan is not the plan you're supposed to be on...

Warning Long but I think worth a read. Thanks for listening!!!

Ever since I can remember I wanted to be a nurse. It was who I was and I knew that was the career I needed to be in. I worried and stressed about getting in because academically I didn't have the highest marks. I had good enough marks in the maths and sciences but really struggled in social and English. Thankfully I could switch my social 30 mark for my musical theatre 30 mark which was 100% I think? So I thank my musical theatre teacher for helping with my overall average to get into university.

Anyways the end of July leading up to the start of University rolls around and I still hadn't heard anything. I can't remember but I think I might have been on the waiting list to go to Grant Mac. or maybe I didn't even get in there. Either way U of A was my last option and I didn't have any job or back up plans for the fall. August came, I think it was even mid August and I got accepted to U of A!!! I remember not feeling super stressed but feeling extremely blessed. I knew I would get in but I just needed to wait.

Went to school for 4 years. It wasn't the easiest for me, and I bet it would have been easier if I hadn't been such an anxiety case when it came to tests and clinical instructors. The whole four years I remember feeling blessed, not just blessed but extremely blessed to be passing school. Sounds like I'm dumb, I'm not I just stress when exams role around and stress trying to impress instructors. I knew I just needed to get through school, know what I know and feel confident in it because I was a people person and knew I would do well in my job.

So June 2008 came around and I graduated. I did it!!! I had my first job, and one I always stayed with in pediatric cardiology. I loved it. A lot of the patients were chronic patients so you got to know some of the families and patients well. I probably could do a whole post with how much those kids touch my life and influenced me for the better. Sure there were harder patients but kids are so resilient and truly little angels. I can't say enough about those kids and how much I loved caring for them especially those that were cardiac. I'll never forget some of those kids. As for the unit, I worked with the best staff and best managers. It was like a family. I felt so at home there and had so much support when I needed it and was able to support others when they needed help.

My plan was to have a family and work casually while my kids were young to maintain my license and maybe work a little more as they got older. I never wanted to loose my license because I went to 4 years of school not just to have an education but because I wanted to be a nurse. It was working out fine. We had Talia and had Jace a littler sooner than planned so I was finding it hard to find people (mostly family) to watch the kids. Such early hours and long days. Plus when Jason had a day off was I supposed to pick up a shift and work every time he had it off? Then we would never see each other.

Whenever I went to work a shift I felt like it was a little break from home and kids, but I also felt like I missed out and that there was stuff to be done at home. I just felt pulled in many directions. I prayed about it many months ago and felt at peace that I should just stay home. I didn't act on my answer and looking back i dont think I was ready for an answer. I stressed (and still do) about what people will think of me. "You went to 4 years of school to throw it away?" "Just get a sitter" "I Would keep it" or "Kamry you love being a nurse" and mostly family that was proud of me for achieving my goals would be so disappointed. Also I know I've been blessed with a nurturing spirit and I thought being a nurse was how I could be that person. Being a nurse has also been so much of my identity. So that answer was quickly pushed out of my brain and I continued to stress about what I should do. Jason supported me either way. He knew how much nursing meant to me but he also knew the importance of me staying home with the kids. Not all women have that opportunity or some women need to work for other reasons and I fully support personal decisions in this area. As for me I wasn't sure where I wanted to be.

Well I needed to make a decision because I couldn't keep putting it off and not working any shifts. I needed to commit. I also was so torn and loved both nursing and being home with my kids full time that I actually couldn't commit to one way. So one night I prayed and asked that Heavenly Father help me to feel at peace with what decision was best for me. The next morning I think I was doing some routine task, I think wiping Jace's hands and both kids were in view. The thought popped into my head "You're so lucky to be able to stay home with these kids" and the rest of the day I felt at peace with that. What I understood by that is that financially it is possible to be able to do this right now and this is where I need to be. Talia needs consistency and needs me by her. Jace of course needs me but Talia is very emotional and needs me more. So that was it no turning back.

The decision hasn't been hard ever since that day. Of course writing about the kids on the unit and the staff I get teary eyed and miss them so much. I just want to go hug all the little patients and just love them and see them for who they are. I wish I could go back and love them more and be better. I remember another lady at church talking about accomplishments and she had no idea how much her comment affected me. Anyways she was a nurse and worked for a couple years (like me). At her 10 year reunion with her graduating class she said all these nurses were talking about how much they've accomplished career wise and that she felt she hadn't. But she quickly was reminded that she has raised kids and that is a lot. She remembers those years as great ones. Ones where she learned to become a good mothers and met good people. She said she only thinks of those as good memories but it was time to make new good memories and move on. There are so many good things to do and accomplish in this world and we all could be very capable of accomplishing many but it would be impossible to accomplish everything and be good at all of them. So nursing at this time is that for me. A great goal I accomplished. I was able to work and become a better person because of the staff, patients, and family I met. It was just time to move on from that area (for now), and focus on something else. I have other things like my family, my health with weight and having more kids, family history, and learning to take good photos of my kids and creating memories.

 I guess if in the future when my kids are older I want to get back into I will go back for the refresher year and a bit. I know it is a lot of work but if that's what I want to do then that's OK. I know of a few women who have gone back. One is a good friends mom, I was talking to her and telling her my dilemma and she said, "Oh don't loose your license it's a long year and a bit... wait I actually shouldn't say that because I don't regret and love all those years I had at home with my kids." I remember going to this friends house and having her mom there whenever we went home. She was such a good influence on her kids and I respect her so much.

I loved being a nurse (this is where I get chocked up). It was me. I loved how I became a confident person through this career and found out who I was. I loved holding the babies at night, I loved stroking this specifics girls head as she deteriorated and needed to eventually be moved to PICU, I loved talking and listening to the families, and I loved laughing with staff and keeping things light. There were of course difficult people to care for, sad situations, times when you made a mistake and stressful busy shifts that you couldn't show your love as much as you wanted, but I remember the times when I had time to love those patients and just be in awe of them.  I was blessed in every way to be able to meet this goal. So many people supported me and were proud of me. I hope I'm not disappointing them because truly this has been the hardest decision for me. I am a better person for being a nurse. I really hope to get back into it but for now it's too hard to keep up with the amount of time I want to stay home. So thank you 4C patients, staff, and managers. It's been the greatest experience!!!

I am pregnant here with Talia.

Sweet little girl who is older now and doing well

These kids can survive much more than you or I could ever and teach us more than you or I ever could.